Sunday, January 07, 2007

Blog the Twenty-Third

Vulnerable: Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded. Open to attack or damage. Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation.

I am a scrapper by nature. A fighter. I'm not particularly calm or patient. To achieve those states I have to be very mindful of where I am, who I'm talking to, what I'm saying - very mindful indeed. I see a situation, figure out what needs to be changed (if anything) and then go change it. No waiting. No coating with sugar. Done.

My years in the martial arts has helped me develop the tools for mindfulness. Being a Motherless Daughter has helped me live and interact with empathy and compassion.

But underneath it all, is the scrapper. Persistent fighter. Never giving up. Vulnerable is not a word in my vocabulary - until I get sick - and then I remember what weakness is.

I HATE getting sick. I remember the first time it happened after Mom passed away. That was a particularly significant moment, because when I was sick, it was Mom who used to take care of me. Rub the Vicks. Turn on the humidifier. Make me stay in bed. Bring the soup and crackers. Feel my head for my temperature. Laugh at me. Give me a kiss. Give me a hug. Tuck me under.

The first time I got sick after she died, I encountered one of those Big Reality Check Moments. Those are moments that come, perhaps well after the initial grief is waning - when you realize all the little things your Mother won't be around for. And most times it's the stupid little things you didn't think of that get you.

Every Motherless Daughter knows that Mom won't be around for weddings, babies or graduations anymore - the big things. But did you think of how it would feel when you recognize she won't be there to help fold the laundry, as she's sticking half way in the dryer searching for that one elusively stupid sock? Or, as in the case of fellow blogger Burfica, when the TV show you watched came on and Mom's no longer there to comment after the credits roll? Her favorite song coming on the radio. Her incessant comments about the most recent color of you hair.

Annoying or not. Irritating or not. These small things are now missing. And you get that gut twisting feeling of realization that she's not here - and she'll never be here to take care of you ever again, to annoy you ever again, to make comments ever again.

When I'm sick, is when I am the most vulnerable. And vulnerability is not a state that I am at all used to. It's then that the loneliness comes and all those thoughts that I usually keep at bay (no lover, no children, no family close) rush in. It makes being sick become more than just snot rags and coughing. When I am sick and feeling vulnerable, it becomes a difficult exercise in reality checks about where I am in life and who is not here. And about the only time one would get me to admit it sometimes sucks being alone.

But here is the saving grace - the flu doesn't last forever (thank goodness!). As long as I stay away from making uber significant decisions when I am at my most vulnerable, after a few days I am okay. And for the first time, as I am sick right now, I am letting myself be okay with my vulnerable feelings. Is it okay to feel sad that there is no one to take care of me but me? Sure is. Is it okay to miss Mom really bad? Yup. Can I watch eight hours of Battlestar Galactica curled up warmly on the couch? Go for it.

And well, maybe it's also time to try something different. While Mom and I had a ritual to do when we were sick, perhaps a new ritual is in order. 'Cause I have to admit, while it was nice having someone bring me soup and crackers, I really really REALLY hated wearing that Vicks!

-TL

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know that vulnerable is a bad word in your language, but it is VERY important in every relationship to be able to be vulnerable. Look at how you and your mom interacted, you both had to be able to be vulnerable with eachother in order to love each other fully. This is true for other relationships too. Its part of why you can be so hurt by the person you love, its also why you can hurt them so much. It's also why when you love someone fully you can touch their souls, and let them touch yours. Without vulnerablity this could never happen.

I say embrace your vulnerable side and learn to love her as much as you love your kick ass self...they are both you.

Burfica said...

I totally agree with Anonymous's comment. hehehe

I had two little moments this season. The first being around Thanksgiving. My mother used to make award winning pies. Her secret was her crust. Every year I would call her up and let her tell me the recipe. I never thought to write it down. This year I opened my recipe box, and, NO CRUST RECIPE. I burst into tears and started yelling at myself. Freaked my husband out. I found a crust recipe in one of her old cook books and used it. It didn't come out the same, but maybe I can work for years tweeking it to find the right recipe.

The second moment came just a couple days ago. When my mom got so sick, and was living with my sister, my sister has her cat, but couldn't keep her dogs. My Aunt in Tennessee took her dogs. She sent me a letter to tell me the oldest dog had passed away. Maybe cuz it was the first of "mom's pets" to go. I don't know, but it sent me over that thin edge I've been ballancing on. I cried three times that day thinking about it.

I'm afraid I'm gonna be spinning out of control till after the 17th which is the 1 year mark.

Maybe I just need to throw my hands up in the air and experience the ride.

Have a good day TL

Sorry for the book, in the comment section. hehehehee

Davenholl said...

Vicks. I remember my mom putting Vicks on my chest and throat and putting a dry washcloth on it under my jammies when I was sick. MMMMMM..even though I hated Vicks too, the "taking care of part" was the best! I still find today, that I am a big baby when I am sick and EXPECT to be taken care of even though I am a nurse! I think my brain was stunted when mom died suddenly and that part that wanted that care never grew up! Its a stretch I know, but hey, what else could it be?? I love your blog, TL, keep it up girl. Big hugs from Michigan!

Anonymous said...

I had one of those moments today... Got my first birthday card without Mom's name on it. Last year Daddy signed it even though she was gone. This year it said "Dad and Dad's new fiancee's" name. I burst into tears. I wanted HERS there. Not someone else's.

Battlestar Galactica sounds like good medicine. And sometimes it's those vulnerable moments that weirdly make you strong.

Val

Anonymous said...

I'm having a moment tonight. Tomorrow it will be seventeen years since my mother passed. I just want to see her again. Smell her again. I feel like I've forgotten so many details and I want them back. :(