Clearly by now you will have noticed, Dear Reader, that I am not the most consistent blogger. I wish I could say this lack of consistency was something that only occurred in BloggerLand, but alas, I would be so lucky.
No, my lack of consistency, my lack of routine, my lack of follow through, spreads into nearly every facet of my life. I literally am the Queen of Procrastination - it is a bad thing. And there are a few reasons why.
What does it matter any more? Really. What does it matter?
Clean the house for whom? Mom's not coming over. Wash the dishes for what? Friends and family don't visit. Tidy the living room why? It's only me here in the dark little hole and I don't care enough to make it any better.
What happened to me? I used to have a reason. Even after Mom passed, I used to get up and attack life. An early bird who bounded out of bed, happy to see the sun and eat a great breakfast. I had plenty of exciting jobs, though barely just enough money, but for all intents and purposes, I was okay. I was plugging along. Keeping my head down and hustling, hustling, hustling.
Then one day I looked up - and I asked what is it all for? And then, I stopped moving.
Lately, and at least the last three years, the lack of reason just seems to get worse and worse. I am a single, Motherless Daughter, with no children. What am I fighting for in life? Apparently nothing, if I can't even get my ass in gear enough to take care of the dishes.
I've been asking myself lately - aren't I enough to fight for? Aren't I enough to do the dishes for, to clean for, to workout for? Aren't I enough of a reason to live life, and not merely exist in a space?
As an unprofessionaly trained, but trial by fire caretaker, I want to literally take care of everything, fix everything, make everything great... just for you. I'm getting the feeling, that when a caretaker has no one to take care of outside of themselves, they stop functioning, like a machine that no longer has a purpose, and they don't know what to do with themselves.
This is the worst it's ever been, and I have a sneaking suspicion that it is because it's been a year since I've had a boyfriend (a great reincarnated Sick Mother), I am getting older, Mom's anniversary is getting farther and farther away, and my life is actually great. My life is actually great but it has nothing to do with taking care of anyone else and I am freaking out.
I feel like I am pulling away. I feel like I am pulling away from an old way of life that I am scared to let go of. I feel like I am pulling away from an old way of life that is scared to let go of me.
Imagine this if you will. It's a waking dream that has started to recur recently. I have been doing some very different things as of late (like driving to Vegas by myself to visit family or swimming a race in the ocean...) If I could draw this waking dream, it'd be exactly what my fears would look like ---
I have nearly broken through an entire corridor of cob-webs. I am pushing through at the end. I am reaching out, so desperately and with all my strength, because I can feel the fresh air, because I can feel my hands and my arms not surrounded by cob-webs. I can feel the free. My head is through and I can breathe the air! I can see that past the cob-webs, things are clear, not fantastically great because I'm still in a cave, but at least clear. These goddamn webs are like thick strings of glue. They are taut and relentless. Awful. They will not let me be. Every time I bound forward, I am dragged back. That does not stop me reaching, agonizingly reaching forward, stretching out with every inch of my fingertips. They cannot have me, I am thinking with my teeth gritted. They cannot have me. I don't want to be in there anymore. I want to be out here. Let me take care of me.
-TL
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5 comments:
I am a caretaker too. I do have some to take care of, but as of late. I haven't done a dam thing. I think I need taken care of right now. And nobody else is a caretaker that is in my life. uggghhh
I hope you keep struggling, and make it through hun, you are worth it, you really are.
Hmm...I love chocolate and I was really searching for that when I found your site. The title kinda caught my attention so I thought I would stop for a sec. My mother is still around thank GOD, but she will pass sometime because that happens to all of us, no? When she does, all I will have left is memories of our times together and the advice she passes on.
I've only read your July 02 post, but I think I will comment anyway.
In order:
Your not a consistent blogger? LOL. People get what they pay for!
You think you are a Queen of Procrastination??? Dear, I work at a govt office, I can show you true royalty of the art of Procrastination. If you can admit it, you probaly are not as bad as you think ;)
Next:
So you don't clean because no one visits? Join the club!! After my seperation from my husband, I let everything go to hell! That lasted for months until I got tired of kicking over books to get to the bedroom. That kind of thing happens, and it will pass.
What happened to you you ask? You used to have a reason? You used to get up and attack life? You stopped moving?
I think..I know how that feels. After my seperation, I really just didn't CARE. Then I found purpose in my job...that lasted for a few years until I went to one to many retirement parties. It wasn't a week later until my co-workers forgot about that person who retired and just moved on. Some of these people worked at my office for 40+ years! Well, it didn't look like a JOB was something I wanted to get to attached to. So I fell in a slump again.
I'm going to skip to the other paragrahs I found interesting because I was really looking for the local chocolate factory, and didn't intend to stop here.
Hmmm...let's stop at this one:
You said:
"...I have a sneaking suspicion that it is because it's been a year since I've had a boyfriend..."
Let me say this Dear, I'm 50+ years old and one thing I know for sure..there is ALWAYS another boyfriend out there. From your profile you are 29? Oh LORD to have that time in front of me again!! Time passes so quickly, I wish...nevermind just do things. I know for a FACT that at 29 you can be the size of a house with skin that mirrors the craters of the moon and still have some guy who is interested in you. Just from the fact that you have put together this website tells me you already have a certain level of the needed confidence, but you are either really picky or really shy ;).
Find a guy who likes you and just have fun!!!!! If you had asked me 3 years ago if I would have been with the current person I'm with I would have laughed in your face. Guys come and go. Pick one who is currently interested in you (theres always atleast one) and just have fun!
Well, I didn't mean to preach and It's time for me to get back to my google search for my local chocalate factory (mmm chocalate) but
one last thing (really..)
Since I'm the mother of two teenage girls I would like to think that if I died tomorrow and meet them in heaven sometime later I would certainly want them to have missed me, but I really wouldn't want to hear how much they missed me; I would want to hear all that they have done!
"Mom I loved you and burned a candle to you every month and slept by your picture." NOOOO!! I would want
" Mom I loved you and missed you, but look down there! That is the daughter I named after you! And see..that is the book I dedicated to you! And over there is the...!"
Bah...you can ignore this posting as the ravings of a senior citizen, but when you get to 50+ I just hope you say "Damn, my mother would be proud of me.."
Ok, I'm back to Google. Don't bother replying cause I won't ever see it. I guess I was kinda just speaking to my daugthers in the future.
Remember YOU are worth fighting for!
Ahh...my good friend. Welcome to adulthood. That, in essence, is what you are experiencing as part of the overwhelming desire to take care of yourself.
To put it more scientifically, it's Maslow's (sp?) Pyramid of Needs. As you achieve satisfaction of the lower level needs (food, shelter - even if it IS a cave, sex, etc.) you naturally aim for the higher ones. That's it in a nutshell.
You already know from our many conversations that I, too, have been a caretaker as well. And just like you, I went through my WTF moment where I realized that I wasn't taking care of me and I was stuck.
It's weird how we can take care of everyone else without even batting an eye, but it's a great effort to take care of ourselves. As someone who's finally learned to start taking care of her own shit, believe me, the investment is well worth the returns.
I hate growing up. I want to be cared for again. I want to be the one tended to when I am sick. I want to be the one who is fawned over...selfish? Nope just someone who daily attempts to get past her past I guess.
Please take care of you...
Your mich. friend!
I'm glad to hear that things are getting better... although it's tough to let go and live. Even though you're letting go doesn't mean that you're forgetting. Her memories will forever be with you... a celebration of life.
I hope your cobwebs clear and let you be free... to feel life once again.
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