I recommend spreading her ashes. And I recommend doing it in a way that is most meaningful to you and your family - no matter how wild it may seem.
For 11 years, my Mother's ashes have been resting in the closet of my Aunt's house in North Carolina. That's it. Just sitting there.
I did find it odd that none of us, no one from my Mother's immediate family, had wanted to do anything special with the ashes. But as it turned out, we didn't feel particularly connected to them one way or the other, so it wasn't such a bad thing letting them collect dust where they were.
Over the years, we threw out a lot of random ideas anytime we broached the subject, but nothing ever gave us that "Aha!" feeling that we wanted. Nothing seemed particularly right. For instance, one family member suggested spreading my Mother's ashes in the mountains, which quickly elicited a response from me of, "The Mountains!? When the heck did you ever know my Mother to hike or even exercise?! If we spread her in the mountains, she's gonna slap me in the head the next time she sees me!" And while we spoke quite a bit about spreading her somewhere with lots of flowers, it still didn't seem like enough. For a robust woman like my Mother, who led a very loud life sometimes, leaving her in a colorful yet quite bed of roses didn't seem like it was going to cut it...
Nearly 8 weeks ago, (PS: This will ALL tie in I promise) and coincidentally around the same time I kept having those recurring day dreams, something scary and magnificent happened.
I was sitting at my desk when my co-worker tossed out a random challenge. "Why don't you sign up for the triathlon?" he asked. "You can do it, you've got the balls dog." Initially I laughed, until he mentioned that the money raised benefited some foundation to help sick kids. With some savvy intranet surfing, I found that the triathlon benefits the Elizabeth Glasser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. A Pediatric AIDS foundation. Take that in for a minute... Go ahead and cry if you need to...
In that moment, I felt very warm inside, very peaceful. I wish every time I needed to make a decision I felt like that - that's when my insides know exactly what needs to get done, and how I need to do it, no questions asked.
I found all the info, and within minutes I was looking around to form a team. Thank goodness that this race lets participants form Relay Teams - as I would not have had the wherewithal to complete a triathlon all by myself the first time I participated in one.
I decided that I would do the swim. I didn't realize just then, that I had also apparently decided to face a few more of my life's most challenging fears.
To be continued...
-TL
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4 comments:
glad your still kickin. Was starting to worry. We scattered mom's ashes the day after the memorial. But mom always wanted cremated and always wanted scattered somewhere she hung out as a child. So...that's what we did.
You know, just randomly, I think I "get" the title of your blog more than I ever did before. I always understood it intellectually, but I think a moment ago it just hit me how relevant it is emotionally and to my own life.
*hug*
You have a lot of lessons, my friend...
-Pol
I just read through most of your blog... and I'm trying not to cry... but it's a good cry. It's the cry that comes when you realize that somebody else 'gets it' and when you realize you should be grateful that you have what you do because others lost even more.
I lost my Mom last year. I was 24. My daughter was 4 months old. I spent the two months prior to her death helping my Dad care for her. She had lung cancer and it was not a pretty battle at any point.
I feel like because I am an adult--even though I am only JUST one in many ways--everyone believes that it should be ok with me that my Mom is gone because it is 'the natural order of things,' but it isn't. I still feel like a motherless daughter even though I had her around through all of my childhood. I still feel bereft of her in my life when I face the day--the million new things that my daughter does, the recipe for dinner that she made so well, and can't ask her what the hell I'm supposed to do. It still just plain hurts and aches almost all the time, every day, even when I go along and force myself to tend to things other than the ache.
So thank you... for getting it. For talking about it. And for sharing your journey. Already it's helped me in mine.
Val
I could think of no other place to "place" my dad's ashes than right next to my mother's grave. I wanted them together. She wanted a coffin, he wanted cremation. They both got what they wanted and even though he didnt care what I did with the ashes, I had to put them next to mom (he thought his second marriage made him exept from being laid to rest next to her) so that when I get back to Ohio...I can mourn them together. I am going there this weekend...alone, no hus no kids..wish me luck. It can get heavy for me cause Im stuck in Mich and cant get to the graves much.
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