Blog the Fourth

I just received word that my friend's father passed away yesterday.

Those of us who have been Motherless Daughters for awhile are seasoned veterans at handling what comes after a death. We've done the memorials, cremations, wakes, funerals, black dresses, dark veils. We've made the arrangements for the flowers, the limos, the family. Many of us probably did all this in a daze. For us, that sort of work is passed, maybe even for many years now. For others, it is a prospect they will have to face tomorrow.

These are the little ones we have to watch out for. Those new to this experience will no doubt find this time completely and utterly overwhelming. Having been through the fire before, you can be a source of comfort to those who have had only mere hours to cope with what you've had years process.

It didn't come right away for me, the strength to help others. It took a very long while. I wasn't able to help a dear friend during a difficult time in her life that landed her in the hospital. I wasn't able to be there for another dear friend who's own Mother had died. My grief was still just too much.

I think veteran Motherless Daughters instinctively know what help to offer when someone they know has suffered a loss. There is a sharp recognition in their hearts, for now you are two of a kind, matched in a way that only grief knows.

If you find in your own family, or in the family of friends, that death has recently touched their lives, and if you find that you are ready to offer help, here are a few simple things you can do:

1. Cook or buy a meal and take it to your loved one's home. Even if they don't partake, they will have an already prepared meal waiting for them. Before you leave, give them a hug.

2. Grab your cleaning gloves and go to town. While your loved ones are solemnly preparing the details of flights and funerals, you can clean the dishes, wash the laundry, tidy up. Before you leave, give them a hug.

3. If your loved ones have children of any age, take them out. After you drop them off, give everybody a hug.

4. Hang out in your loved one's home. You don't have to say a word. Just be there. If you decide not to stay over, give them a hug before you go.

If the person you know who is suffering a loss is not a close friend or family member, variations on the above are also feasible. For instance, you can buy housekeeping time with a local service and present it to your friends in the form of a gift certificate. Hugs, however, are pretty much universal.

-TL

"Fezzik! Fezzik! Listen! Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound..."
-Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride